I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
