batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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