I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
