I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
