Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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