I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
A+ Viking dick
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