I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
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I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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