This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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