Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
