Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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