so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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