If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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