you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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