He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
