Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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