don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
