i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
