there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
