my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize