Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
