i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
