Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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