Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
pray to the hookup gods
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
