And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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