shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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