remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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