that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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