There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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