You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
