When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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