Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
