I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
