just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We had sex on a dog bed..
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
