WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
