If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
