ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
