haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
