but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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