i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
