I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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