please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
