So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
