We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
