my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just saw a hot homeless man
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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