Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
