I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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