I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
