Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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