I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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