It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
