so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
