Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
