Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
