I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
